One can not imagine the pain of infertility until they have experienced it. I feel that I was created to be a wife and mother yet my body will not allow me to conceive a precious child. Every fiber in me desires motherhood. I know the plans God has for me are good plans. I believe that with all of my heart. It doesn't help the utter anguish I feel every month when I discover that I'm not pregnant, yet again. Saturday I took my third pregnancy test of the month and my hopes and dreams were shattered when the "not pregnant" words glared at me from the digital tester. I felt as if I had lost a child that I never even had. Our last hope is IVF. I have struggled with this decision for a long time. It is not only an emotional decision for me, but it is a spiritual one. I can't come to grips with whether it is ok to go through the procedure. While debating IVF internally, I have had a strong sense that adoption might be the best alternative. I have never been open to the idea until recently. I wanted a child that was my own DNA, flesh and blood. This is why I feel that these newly found thoughts of adoption are not from my own thinking; rather, I believe God is warming my heart to the option. The thought occurred to me that I am adopted into the Kingdom of God. What a beautiful picture Jesus' life, death and resurrection are for us. Ephesians 1:5 says, "he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."
I have also been really convicted lately about my purpose here on earth. God did not put me here to be comfortable and to live an easy life. His Holy Scriptures clearly state that I am here to glorify him. When thinking about adoption in the past, I had always thought of the negative things that could happen--the what ifs. Fear that the birth mother would change her mind at the last minute or that my adopted child would have problems passed down from birth parents completely paralyzed me. What I should have been asking myself was, "how can God use me to make a difference in a child's life or even in the life of its birth parents to glorify Himself." My grief over the past few days has subsided and has turned into a hope--a hope to fulfill God's plan for my life whatever that plan may be.
hey rach, this warms my heart! As for IVFi am not sure what yalls ultimate decision will be but keep this in mind...God is the creator of life no matter how much we as humans think we created it. i know that God will bless you and Jacob with a child either biological or adoption you both will make a huge difference in that little ones life. what a privilege to rescue a child who may not otherwise hear about jesus and planting such life changing seeds in their heart. I know the waiting period is hard rach but Gods timing is perfect. oh the joy that day will be for yall and i cant wait to celebrate it with yall! I love yall!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel, thanks for sharing your struggles. I know sometimes it helps just to be able to express what you're feeling! We love you so much, but nothing even close to how much God loves you both! He wants to walk with you through the pain - and Christ is still our advocate before his throne. We will continue to pray for his wisdom, peace, and guidance. He has a plan through all of this; maybe it's IVF or maybe it's rescuing a child from a hopeless situation. Whatever you and Jacob choose, I love you!
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